Kesaksian: Have you ever wondered why bad things can happen to us? Why He let us suffer? Why He let us fall down? Is He our best friend? Is He always by our side? Then, why He let us suffer? Have you ever wondered that?
Honestly, yup, I have thought about it before. For me personally, it’s not His fault. He is no wrong at all. In our life, we face a lot of obstacles. But, why can we live a smooth life in Christ?
Life is learning process, so you will never stop learning until you die. Within this process, we face a lot of options every time. We have to choose which we want. For example; in your study life, when you finished high school you have to choose between continue to study further or work, then if you choose to study further then where you want to study, abroad or in home country, etc. God let us choose the options by ourselves. Every option got their own obstacles. There’s no smooth life. But, when we face the obstacles sometimes we blame Him. “God is cruel…” Sometimes I do hear that. Well, let me tell you something, He’s not cruel at all. He is the Greatest Father I have ever known. He’s the best friend I have.
Let me tell you my story. Sometimes I did feel lonely. I felt like my friends left me, they didn’t need me at all, even whether I was there or not, was not different. I did try many ways to be recognized, but sometimes, not use…. One time I felt like I was needed, they care about me. But on the other time, I really felt like I wasn’t needed at all. In my opinion I just like accessories for them, never be part of them. That’s why I became the real introvert person. I couldn’t talk much to people, I prefer to be quiet and alone. Sometimes I felt I wanted to cry, cried and mad to God, “Why must these things happened to me! Why You created me like this! Why no one likes me! Why no one cared of me! Why I don’t have any real friends! Am I that bad?” I did hate myself. Well, yup, I know that’s very terrible. But that’s my story. My life before He showed me a lot of good things about me.
For 7 years in Jakarta and 1.5 years in Singapore, I just like that. But during my final examination last May, He showed me 1 good thing. “FAMILY”. When I faced my marketing examination, I got stressed. I did try to cover all the syllabus, but still cannot. Until the exam day, I still scared and quite depressed. I even couldn’t sleep at night, for instance I didn’t sleep on the night before the exam. It’s not because I studied but because I told myself “I must sleep….I must sleep…MUST!!!” until morning I told myself like that. That’s why very stressed. I didn’t finished almost 1.5 questions from 4 questions. I really felt depressed. I felt scare, I didn’t dare to tell my family. I wanted to cry, shout, maybe suicide ( no lah…I’m not that crazy…ahahahaha…). But, it’s true that I felt very down. Thanks God, the night after, my parents called me from Jakarta. I cried loudly. I told them that I didn’t do well in exam. I really felt scare, I don’t want to burden my papa more. But, I just realized at that time, my family is the best thing I ever had. They’ll never leave me whatever happened to me. They will always accept me whoever I am. He opened the eyes of my heart, because last time I didn’t really care about my family, all I cared was me and the way people thought about me. At that time, I felt very peaceful, like suddenly my burdens gone. After that I prayed to God and told Him everything, all my worries. And that night I could sleep very well. Since then, I said to myself, “I have family who will always there for me, I have God Who always by my side, I’m very lucky!” that’s why I spent all my 3+ months holiday only for my family. No outsiders. Hahahahha… And thanks God, I passed all the subjects. ^^
Before went back to Singapore, I did join camp from my sister’s church. It’s called “Wanita Bijak” ( Wise Women). It’s only 1 day-1 night in Puncak. But that camp was my turning point. I really felt that He touched my heart that time. The camp told us that we’re unique as women and we must accept it and use it to fulfill our duty from Him in this world ( Ephesians 2:10 “For we are God’s workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do”). It just like “hit the nail”. Since then, I can accept myself 100%. I know He created me this way because He has plan in my life. And I will never regret it. Now, my mindset also changed. Maybe not all realized that because not many of my friends know me well. hahahaha…. Last time if someone asked me my vision, I couldn’t answer him. But now I can proudly answer it, “my vision is to become good daughter of God, good servant of God, and good follower of God. And not forget making my family happy.” During PEARLS ( self-development program, compulsory for us ) the teacher told us to write down our visions. Then, I wrote down my vision. When he saw it, he asked me, “is that your vision?” ,”yeah…simple right?” then he asked me deeper. “how?” “ in any ways lah…” “but like what?” “like making my parents happy.” “ then, how to make you parents happy?” “ by fulfilling their dreams .” “if like that, how about your dream and vision?” ”my dream and vision is to make them happy.” “Then, are you happy?” “Yup!” “How about if your dream and vision are different from your parents?” “Like what?” “For example your parents don’t like your boyfriend, so how? Will you break up with him?” “Yeah.” “But you will be sad.” “It’s ok lah, I’ll be very sad only for short time. But as long as my parents happy, I’m happy.” “How do you know that your parents happy?” “When I happy, my parents also happy. When my parents happy, I happy.” “So, when you sad, your parents are sadder than you.” “No! When I sad, they will comfort me and make me happy and vice versa.” “That’s good.” The conversation ended there.
Now I have new mindset. Last time when people said “serving God” we always think about serving in church. But, now I realized that it isn’t true. Who said we only can serve God in church! We can serve Him everywhere, at any time, to everyone. Maybe my talent not in singing or playing any instrument but I really do believe that He has given me different talent and now I’m using it and still learning to improve it. Thanks God.
A lot of bad things have happened to me. But I’m not blame God. Why? it’s not His fault. How can we become success? By learning from our failures. If we only have smooth life with no obstacles; Then, what we want to become? We’re not learning and not getting stronger, not getting closer to God. Do you want that? I personally don’t want. Because I want to get stronger in Him, I want to get closer with my Heavenly Papa, I want to know more my Beloved Papa, I want to see Him reigns in my life, I want to see His greatness and grace in my life, I want to feel His love more and more. And I believe He will never leave me during my bad times. He always by my side. When I scared, He always there to comfort and protect me; When I fall down, He always there to lift me up; When there’s hard winds blow me out, He always there to hold and hug me; When I feel very sad and lonely, He always there to make me smile and laugh again; When I feel not loved, His love always there for me; When I feel rejected, He always accept me. His hands and love always there for me and embrace me.
In my heart, I heard,” Citra, you’re different with others. You don’t have to be the same with them. I have plan in you. Great plan. You are precious for Me, I love you more than anyone. You don’t have to worry, I always there for you.”
“Since you are precious and honored in my sight, and because I love you. ” (Isaiah 43:4a).
“..Your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in Your book before one of them came to be.” (Psalm 139:16).
I believe everything that happened to me already in His book. And I believe that everything that He has planned for me always good. He wants me to keep learning. That’s why I never protested to Him even when bad things happened to me, because I know as long as I live my life with God, everything will be okay. Don’t forget to thank Him every time.“Be Joyful always; pray continually; give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.” ( 1 Thessalonians 5:18 ).
I always remember in my heart that life in God alone always beautiful in its time. “He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set of eternity in the hearts of men; yet they cannot fathom what God has done from beginning to end.” (Ecclesiastes 3:11).
That’s what I want to share to you. Now, I haven’t completed change 100% yet. But I’m still learning and I believe that He always lead me to the right way. “He guides me in paths of righteousness for His name’s sake.” (Psalm 23:3).
Become the blessing to everyone, so everyone will know Who is our Great God. “Don’t let anyone look down on you because you are young, but set an example for the believers in speech, in life, in love, in faith, and in purity.” (1 Timothy 4:12).
I love to see more people turn their life to God…^^
“Worry about nothing, pray about everything.”
Live your life in God alone….Put our faith in Him alone…^^
God Love you…
“ May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in Him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.” (Romans 15:13).
With Love & Warmth,
(Singapore, 12 October 2008.)